HBMmaster's My Immortal Commentary
by HBMmaster
Summary: Everyone and their monkey has done this, so here's my take! Enjoy! The rating is based on my commentary, not the original. If you haven't read the original My Immortal, RUN. RUN FAR, FAR AWAY AND NEVER RETURN.
1. Chapter 1

**I don't own Harry Potter. Neither does Tara Gilesbie. I don't own My Immortal, thankfully.**

**You know the drill. Let's do this! LEEEEEEEEEEEEEROOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOY JEEEEEEEEEEEEENKIIIIIIIIIIII NS!**

Chapter 1.

**The Horror Begins**

AN: Special fangz (get it, coz Im goffik)

***shudder***

2 my gf (ew not in that way)

**You're the one who pointed it out...**

raven, bloodytearz666 4 helpin me wif da story and spelling.

**What did Raven (sorry, bloodytearz666) do, exactly?**

U rok! Justin ur da luv of my deprzzing life u rok 2! MCR ROX!

**Of course it does.**

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** TWANSITION!**

Hi my name is Ebony Dark'ness Dementia Raven Way

**Well, that's a long name.**

and I have long ebony black hair (that's how I got my name) with purple streaks and red tips that reaches my mid-back and icy blue eyes like limpid tears

**Still in the first sentence. Just pointing that out.**

and a lot of people tell me I look like Amy Lee (AN: if u don't know who she is get da hell out of here!).

**Cool! *gets up to leave***

I'm not related to Gerard Way but I wish I was because he's a major f**king hottie.

**Well, that's a tad creepy. Also, watch your language.**

I'm a vampire

**Naturally.**

but my teeth are straight and white.

**Otherwise you'd be ugly, and that's unacceptable.**

I have pale white skin.

**Because you're a vampire.**

I'm also a witch, and I go to a magic school called Hogwarts in England

**And this is where most people figure out that this is supposed to ba a Harry Potter fanfiction. Also, Hogwarts is in Sweden.**

where I'm in the seventh year (I'm seventeen). I'm a goth (in case you couldn't tell)

**REALLY? I ****_COULDN'T_**** TELL!**

and I wear mostly black.

**Because you're a goth...**

I love Hot Topic and I buy all my clothes from there.

**because you're a goth... again...**

For example today I was wearing

**CLOTHING DESCRIPTION- 33 WORDS LONG**

I was walking outside Hogwarts. It was snowing and raining

**Because that makes sense.**

so there was no sun, which I was very happy about.

**Because you're a... okay, that's getting old.**

A lot of preps stared at me. I put up my middle finger at them.

**How nice!**

"Hey Ebony!" shouted a voice. I looked up. It was….

**Oh, no...**

Draco Malfoy!

**Of course it was.**

"What's up Draco?" I asked.

"Nothing." he said shyly.

**And he's already extremely OOC.**

But then, I heard my friends call me and I had to go away.

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AN: IS it good?

**Nope!**

PLZ tell me fangz!

**I wonder what her reaction to finding out that people don't like it will be... FIND OUT ON THE NEXT EXCITING EPISODE OF HBMMASTER'S MY IMMORTAL COMMENTARY!**


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2.

AN: Fangz 2 bloodytearz666 4 helpin

**LOL**

me wif da chapta! BTW preps stop flaming ma story ok!

**Aw, is that the only reaction we're going to get? (Spoiler alert: NO)**

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The next day I woke up in my bedroom.

**How peculiar! I usually wake up in the basement!**

It was snowing and raining

**Again?**

again.

**That's so weird...**

I opened the door of my coffin

**Because you're a vampire.**

and drank some blood from a bottle I had.

**Where did you get this bottle?**

My coffin was black ebony and inside it was hot pink velvet

**A very gothic colour, I'm sure...**

with black lace on the ends. I got out of my coffin and took of

***off**

my giant MCR t-shirt which I used for pajamas. Instead, I put on

**CLOTHING DESCRIPTION- 34 WORDS LONG**

My friend, Willow (AN: Raven dis is u!)

**I would never have guessed that! I'm sure Raven wouldn't have either, really.**

woke up then and grinned at me. She flipped her long waist-length raven black hair with pink streaks and opened her forest-green eyes.

**She woke up, smiled, flipped her hair, ****_then_**** opened her eyes.**

She put on her

**CLOTHING DESCRIPTION- 25 WORDS LONG**

"OMFG, I saw you talking to Draco Malfoy yesterday!" she said excitedly.

"Yeah? So?" I said, blushing.

**I thought you were a vampire...**

"Do you like Draco?" she asked as we went out of the Slytherin common room and into the Great Hall.

"No I so f**king don't!" I shouted.

"Yeah right!" she exclaimed. Just then, Draco walked up to me.

"Hi." he said.

"Hi." I replied flirtily.

**I thought you so f**king didn't like him?**

"Guess what." he said.

"What?" I asked.

"Well, Good Charlotte are having a concert in Hogsmeade." he told me.

"Oh. My. F**king. God!" I screamed. I love GC. They are my favorite band, besides MCR.

"Well…. do you want to go with me?" he asked.

I gasped.

**Gasp counter- 1**


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter 3.

AN: STOP FLAMMING DA STORY PREPZ OK!

**Any preps reading this, STOP FLAMING! I'm not a prep (I'm a nerd), so I can flame all I want.**

odderwize

***giggle***

fangs 2 da goffik ppl 4 da good reveiws!

**You mean there were goths who ****_LIKED_**** this?**

FANGS AGEN RAVEN!

**Code name: Agen Raven.**

oh yeah, BTW I don't own dis or da lyrics 4 Good Chralotte.

**O RLY?**

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On the night of the concert I put on my

**CLOTHING DESCRIPTION- 48 WORDS LONG**

I felt a little depressed then, so I slit one of my wrists.

**This is the first sign that Ebony is emo, rather than gothic.**

I read a depressing book while I waited for it to stop bleeding

**So you could feel more depressed?**

and I listened to some GC. I painted my nails black and put on

**Metric**

TONS of black eyeliner. Then I put on some black lipstick. I didn't put on foundation because I was pale anyway. I drank some human blood so I was ready to go to the concert.

**Naturally.**

I went outside. Draco was waiting there in front of his flying car.

**Of course he has a flying car! WHY NOT?**

He was wearing

**CLOTHING DESCRIPTION- 17 WORDS LONG**

and a little eyeliner (AN: A lot fo kewl boiz wer it ok!).

**I just had to include this part. It's so funny! (MAH BOI!)**

"Hi Draco!" I said in a depressed voice.

**Judging by your punctuation, you don't sound depressed at all...**

"Hi Ebony." he said back. We walked into his flying black Mercedes-Benz (the license plate said 666)

**OF COURSE IT DID.**

and flew to the place with the concert. On the way we listened excitedly to Good Charlotte and Marilyn Manson.

**Simultaneously. That must sound AWFUL!**

We both smoked cigarettes and drugs.

**That explains everything!**

When we got there, we both hopped out of the car. We went to the mosh pit at the front of the stage and jumped up and down as we listened to Good Charlotte.

"You come in cold, you're covered in blood  
They're all so happy you've arrived  
The doctor cuts your cord, hands you to your mom  
She sets you free into this life." sang Joel (I don't own da lyrics 2 dat song).

**She requires two disclaimers for not owning this song, but she never says that she doesn't own Harry Potter. Hmm...**

"Joel is so f**king hot." I said to Draco, pointing to him as he sung, filling the club with his amazing voice.

Suddenly Draco looked sad.

"What's wrong?" I asked as we moshed to the music. Then I caught on.

**Finally!**

"Hey, it's ok I don't like him better than YOU!" I said.

"Really?" asked Draco

**"Dang it! I really wanted you to like him better!"**

sensitively and he put his arm around me all protective.

"Really." I said. "Besides I don't even know Joel and he's going out with Hilary f**king Duff. I f**king hate that little b**ch." I said disgustedly, thinking of her ugly blonde face.

**Her ugly face... is blonde?**

The night went on really well, and I had a great time.

**Because you're a goth.**

So did Draco.

**Oh right, I almost forgot about him.**

After the concert, we drank some beer

**Another great explanation.**

and asked Benji and Joel for their autographs and photos with them.

**Did you get them?**

We got GC concert tees.

**No? Aw...**

Draco and I crawled

**Because walking is too mainstream!**

back into the Mercedes-Benz, but Draco didn't go back into Hogwarts, instead he drove the car into… the Forbidden Forest!

***dramatic chipmunk***


	4. Chapter 4

Chapter 4.

**Warning: this chapter contains what Tara thinks qualifies as a lemon. I would skip it if it didn't consist of the sentence "He put his thingie in my you-know-what and we did it for the first time".**

AN: I sed stup flaming ok ebony's name is ENOBY

**Yeah, guys! Ebony's name is ENOBY!**

nut mary su OK!

**Ebony isn't a Mary Sue! I can prove it!**

DRACO IS SOO IN LUV wif her dat he is acting defrent!

**Because that's nothing like the official definition of Mary Sue at all!**

dey nu eechodder b4 ok!

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"DRACO!" I shouted. "What the f**k do you think you are doing?"

Draco didn't answer but he stopped the flying car and he walked out of it. I walked out of it too, curiously.

**How did they "walk" out of the flying car?**

"What the f**king hell?" I asked angrily.

"Ebony?" he asked.

"What?" I snapped.

Draco leaned in extra-close and I looked into his gothic red eyes (he was wearing color contacts) which revealed so much depressing sorrow and evilness and then suddenly I didn't feel mad anymore.

**I don't know about you guys, but depression always makes me feel better!**

And then… suddenly just as I

**Just as you what?**

Draco kissed me passionately.

**Oh, just as you Draco kissed you passionately!**

Draco climbed on top of me and we started to make out keenly

***shudder***

against a tree. He took of my top and I took of his clothes. I even took of my bra. Then he put his thingie into my you-know-what and we did it for the first time.

**BEST. LEMON. EVER.**

"Oh! Oh! Oh! " I screamed. I was beginning to get an orgasm.

**She's faking.**

We started to kiss everywhere

**Are you bipolar?**

**I'm bi-kissing!**

**Kiss here!**

**Kiss there!**

**Kiss, kiss everywhere! (i dont own da lyriks 2 dat song)**

and my pale body became all warm. And then….

"WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING YOU MOTHERFUKERS!"

**I didn't sensor that because it's spelled wrong, and therefore is pronounced "few-kerz", which rhymes with "pukers".**

It was….Dumbledore!

***rolls on the floor laughing* OF COURSE IT WAS! OF COURSE IT WAS DUMBLEDORE! WHO ELSE WOULD IT POSSIBLY BE?**


	5. Chapter 5

Chapter 5.

AN: STOP flaming!

**See? This brevity thing isn't so hard!**

if u flam it menz ur a prep or a posr! Da only reson Dumbledeor swor is coz he had a hedache ok an on tup of dat he wuz mad at dem 4 having sexx! PS im nut updating umtil I get five good revoiws!

**For your pleasure, here is a phonetic spelling of this author's note:**

**STOP flaming! If oo flam it menz oor a prep or a posser! Dah only raisin Dumble-day-or swar is cozz he had a hedd-atch awk anon tup he wuzz mad at demm four having sexix! P.S. im (rhymes with Tim) nut updating, umm, 'til I get five guud rev-oi-was!**

**Well, that doesn't make it any easier to read at all!**

**Okay, here's an English translation:**

**STOP flaming! If you flame, my simple mind will conclude that you are either a prep or a possessor (of bad taste)! The only raisin I gave to Dumbledore was one that gave him a horrible headache, causing him to pronounce "motherf**kers" incorrectly, you hawk! Anonymously, Tupperware_ is taking up too much space in my computer, so I can't type what I want to! Something about sexix! Post-script, Tim will not update until I have received five revoiws that are of a good quality!**

**Well, that was fun.**

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Dumbledore made and Draco and I follow him. He kept shouting at us angrily.

"You ludacris fools!" he shouted.

I started to cry tears of blood

**That's not healthy. Also, you're a vampire! You shouldn't have blood!**

down my pallid face. Draco comforted me. When we went back to the castle Dumbledore took us to Professor Snape and Professor McGonagall who were both looking very angry.

"They were having sexual intercourse in the Forbidden Forest!" he yelled in a furious voice.

**The sad part is that she spelled "sexual intercourse" right.**

"Why did you do such a thing, you mediocre dunces?" asked Professor McGonagall.

**Okay, that is now one of my favorite insults ever, up there with "you silly little nugget".**

"How dare you?" demanded

**"I demand to know how you dare!"**

Professor Snape.

And then Draco shrieked. "BECAUSE I LOVE HER!"

**Awkward silence.**

Everyone was quiet. Dumbledore and Professor McGonagall still looked mad but Professor Snape said. "Fine. Very well. You may go up to your rooms."

**"Oh, you love her? Then OF COURSE you can have sexx [sic] and get away with it!"**

Draco and I went upstairs while the teachers glared at us.

"Are you okay, Ebony?" Draco asked me gently.

"Yeah I guess." I lied.

**Ooh, Ebony, you're such a rebel!**

I went to the girl's dorm and brushed my teeth and my hair and changed into

**CLOTHING DESCRIPTION- 17 WORDS LONG**

When I came out….

Draco was standing in front of the bathroom, and he started to sing 'I just wanna live' by Good Charlotte.

**Of course he was.**

I was so flattered, even though he wasn't supposed to be there. We hugged and kissed. After that, we said goodnight and he reluctantly went back into his room.


	6. Chapter 6

Chapter 6.

AN: shjt up prepz ok! PS I wnot update ubtil u give me goood revows!

**You sound like you have a cold, are you feeling alright?**

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The next day I woke up in my coffin. I put on a

**CLOTHING DESCRIPTION- 40 WORDS LONG**

I spray-painted my hair with purple.

**Spray-painted?**

In the Great Hall, I ate some Count Chocula cereal with blood instead of milk,

**Part of a balanced breakfast!**

and a glass of red blood. Suddenly someone bumped into me. All the blood spilled over my top.

"Bastard!" I shouted angrily. I regretted saying it when I looked up cause I was looking into the pale white face of a gothic boy

**It's okay if he's gothic, obviously.**

with spiky black hair with red streaks in it. He was wearing so much eyeliner that I was going down his face

**Ew...**

and he was wearing black lipstick. He didn't have glasses anymore

**Oh, no...**

and now he was wearing red contact lenses just like Draco's and there was no scar on his forhead anymore.

**No!**

He had a manly stubble on his chin. He had a sexy English accent.

**Oh, please, no!**

He looked exactly like Joel Madden. He was so sexy that my body went all hot when I saw him kind of like an erection only I'm a girl so I didn't get one you sicko.

**She didn't get an erection? I guess you could say she...**

***puts on sunglasses***

**DIDN'T HAVE THE BALLS TO.**

**YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAH!**

"I'm so sorry." he said in a shy voice.

**"That one-liner was entirely uncalled for,"**

"That's all right. What's your name?" I questioned.

"My name's Harry Potter,

**NO! NO! YOU DID NOT! I almost forgot that I was worrying about this because of that awesome one-liner!**

although most people call me Vampire these days." he grumbled.

"Why?" I exclaimed.

"Because I love the taste of human blood." he giggled.

**Well, that's a tad creepy.**

"Well, I am a vampire." I confessed.

"Really?" he whimpered.

"Yeah." I roared.

We sat down to talk for a while. Then Draco came up behind me and told me he had a surprise for me so I went away with him.

**Oh boy, I wonder what the surprise is!**

**Spoiler alert: It's probably sex.**


	7. Bring me 2 life

**WARNING: This chapter has another lame excuse for a lemon.**

Chapter 7. Bring me 2 life

**This chapter has a name!**

AN: wel ok u guyz im only writting dis cuz I got 5 god reviuws.

**They were all sarcastic, I'm sure.**

n BTW I wont rite da nxt chapter til I git TIN god vons!

***gasp* _TIN_ god vons? Where will she ever get _tin_ god vons?**

STO FLAMING OR ILL REPORT U! Evony isn't a Marie Sue ok

**I never thought Evony was a Marie Sue, I only really had a problem with Ebony, who is a Mary Sue!**

she isn't perfect SHES A SATANITS!

**Yeah, how could you expect Evony to be perfect? SHE'S A... Satanits? A person who knits things for the Devil? That's kind of strange...**

n she has problemz shes depressed 4 godz sake!

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**Find the hidden "Z"!**

Draco and I held our pale white hands with black nail polish as we went upstairs.

**Why can't you just say "Draco and I held hands as we went upstairs"?**

I was wearing

**MARY SUE-ESQUE MAKEUP DESCRIPTION- 10 WORDS LONG**

(AN: c doez dat sound lik a Maru Sue 2 u?).

**Yes, it does.**

I waved to Vampire. Dark misery was in his depressed eyes. I guess he was jealous of me that I was going out with Draco.

**How sweet!**

Anyway, I went upstairs excitedly with Draco. We went into his room and locked the door. Then…

**I can hardly contain the excitement! What is going to happen?**

We started frenching passively

**You Frenched... passively? I mean, Frenching aggressively would be when you go "JE SUIS AGRESSIVE FAIRE LES CHOSES EUROPÉENNES PARCE QUE JE SUIS FRANÇAIS!1!ONE!", but would Frenching passively be when you go "Oh, s'il vous plaît, ne vous inquiétez pas vous-même l'effort de traduire cela, que je n'ai pas mis quelque chose de drôle ici," or something like that? I have no idea.**

and we took off each others clothes enthusiastically. He felt me up before I took of my top.

**Oh...**

Then I took off my black leather bra and he took off his pants. We went on the bed and started making out naked and then he put his boy's thingy in mine

**You have a boy's thingie?**

and we HAD SEX. (c is dat stupid?)

**YES! IT IS VERY STUPID!**

"Oh Draco, Draco!" I screamed while getting an orgasm when all of a sudden I saw a tattoo I had never seen before on Draco's arm. It was a black heart with an arrow through it. On it in bloody gothic writing were the words… Vampire!

**Oh, my... also, that's only one word.**

I was so angry.

**As one would expect.**

"You bastard!" I shouted angrily, jumping out of the bed.

"No! No! But you don't understand!" Draco pleaded. But I knew too much.

"No, you f**king idiot!" I shouted. "You probably have AIDs anyway!"

**But now you have AIDs, too...**

I put on my clothes all huffily and then stomped out. Draco ran out even though he was naked. He had a really big you-know-what but I was too mad to care.

**Priorities!**

I stomped out and did so

**I commented on how stupid this sounds and did so**

until I was in Vampire's classroom where he was having a lesson with Professor Snape and some other people.

"VAMPIRE POTTER, YOU MOTHERF**KER!" I yelled.


	8. Chapter 8

Chapter 8.

AN: stop flassing ok! if u do de prep!

**I love these author's notes.**

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Everyone in the class stared at me and then Draco came into the room even though he was naked

**Well, that's strange.**

and started begging me to take him back.

"Ebony, it's not what you think!" Draco screamed sadly.

**"You're naked. What am I supposed to think?"**

My friend B'loody Mary Smith smiled at me understatedly. She flipped her long waste-length gothic black hair

**Waste-length? As in longer than necessary?**

and opened her crimson eyes like blood that she was wearing contact lenses on.

**COOL STORY BRO.**

She had pale white skin that she was wearing white makeup on. Hermione was kidnapped when she was born.

**Not Hermione, too...**

Her real parents are vampires and one of them is a witch but Voldemort killed her mother and her father committed suicide because he was depressed about it. She still has nightmares about it and she is very haunted and depressed. It also turns out her real last name is Smith and not Granger. (Since she has converted to Satanism she is in Slytherin now not Griffindoor. )

**Remember this made-up backstory. It will be important later.**

"What is it that you desire, you ridiculous dimwit!"

**I love these insults!**

Snape demeaned angrily in his cold voice but I ignored him.

"Vampire, I can't believe you cheated on me with Draco!" I shouted at him.

**But, I thought Draco... cheating... Vampire... Ebony... What?**

Everyone gasped.

**GASP COUNTER- 2**

I don't know why Ebony was so mad at me.

**SUDDEN P.O.V. CHANGE!**

I had went out with Vampire (I'm bi and so is Ebony)

**Well, that's good to know.**

for a while but then he broke my heart.

**"And both of my arms."**

He dumped me because he liked Britney, a stupid preppy f**ker.

**This is apparently Britney's _title, _as she is never referred to as anything besides "Britney, a Stupid Preppy F**ker" or "Britney, a F**king Prep".**

We were just good friends now.

**I'm assuming he's talking about Brittney, a Stupid Preppy F**ker.**

He had gone through horrible problems,

**So Brittney, a Stupid Preppy F**ker is a GUY? Well, this changes everything!**

and now he was gothic. (Haha, like I would hang out with a prep.)

**Then why is his title "a Stupid Preppy F**ker"? I'm so confused.**

"But I'm not going out with Draco anymore!" said Vampire.

"Yeah f**king right! F**k off, you bastard!" I screamed.

**ANOTHER SUDDEN P.O.V. CHANGE!**

I ran out of the room and into the Forbidden Forest where I had lost my virility

**Virility? As in masculinity? So if you have sexix with Draco, you become a woman? That would explain Brittney, a Stupid Preppy F**ker...**

to Draco and then I started to bust into tears.


	9. Chapter 9

Chapter 9.

AN: stop flaming ok! I dntn red all da boox! dis is frum da movie ok so itz nut my folt if dumbeldor swers!

**People are STILL complaining about that?**

besuizds I SED HE HAD A HEDACHE! and da reson snap dosent lik harry now

**I don't recall Snap ever licking Harry...**

is coz hes christian and vampire is a satanist! MCR ROX!

**YOUR ARGUMENT IS INVALID!**

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I was so mad and sad.

**Everything was going bad, so I wasn't glad!**

**You should tell your dad, if it's that bad!**

**Okay, enough with this fad, it was a stupid idea I had.**

I couldn't believe Draco for cheating on me. I began to cry against the tree where I did it with Draco.

**We've gone over this.**

Then all of a suddenly,

**ALL OF A SUDDENLY...**

an horrible man with red eyes and no nose

**Who could it possibly be?**

and everything started flying towards me on a broomstick!

**EVERYTHING started flying towards you? ON A BROOMSTICK?**

He didn't have a nose

**We've gone over this, too.**

(basically like Voldemort in the movie) and he was wearing all black but it was obvious he wasn't gothic. It was…

**Oh, the suspense...**

Voldemort!

***gasp***

"No!" I shouted in a scared voice but then Voldemort shouted "Imperius!" and I couldn't run away.

"Crookshanks!" I shouted at him.

**It's funny because that's the name of Hermoine's cat.**

Voldemort fell of his broom and started to scream. I felt bad for him even though I'm a sadist so I stopped.

**You stopped throwing cats at him? Even though you're a sadist?**

"Ebony." he yelled. "Thou must kill Vampire Potter!"

**SUDDENLY... SHAKESPEARE!**

I thought about Vampire and his sexah eyes and his gothic black hair and how his face looks just like Joel Madden. I remembered that Draco had said I didn't understand, so I thought, what if Draco went out with Vampire before I went out with him and they broke up?

**YOU DON'T SAY**

"No, Voldemort!" I shouted back.

Voldemort gave me a gun.

**Because that's canonical!**

"No! Please!" I begged.

"Thou must!" he yelled. "If thou does not, then I shall kill thy beloved Draco!"

"How did you know?" I asked in a surprised way.

**Because he knows he's going to kill Draco...**

Voldemort got a dude-ur-so-retarded look on his face.

**Who else would pay money to see that?**

"I hath telekinesis." he answered cruelly.

**Ignoring the question at hand.**

"And if you doth not kill Vampire, then thou know what will happen to Draco!" he shouted. Then he flew away angrily on his broomstick.

I was so scared and mad I didn't know what to do. Suddenly Draco came into the woods.

"Draco!" I said. "Hi!"

**Someone forgets things easily.**

"Hi." he said back but his face was all sad. He was wearing

**MAKEUP DESCRIPTION- 17 WORDS LONG**

"Are you okay?" I asked.

"No." he answered.

"I'm sorry I got all mad at you but I thought you cheated on me." I expelled.

**You expelled?**

"That's okay." he said all depressed and we went back into Hogwarts together making out.

**At the same time?**


	10. Chapter 10

Chapter 10.

AN: stup it u gay fags if u donot lik ma story den fukk off!

**Well then! *gets up to leave***

ps it turnz out b'loody mary isn't a muggle afert al n she n vampire r evil datz y dey movd houses ok!

**Well, that sentence was painful.**

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I was really scared about Vlodemort all day.

**Well, duh.**

I was even upset went to rehearsals with my gothic metal band Bloody Gothic Rose 666.

**She's in a band, guys. My guess is that she either plays guitar or is the lead singer. Which one? Let's find out!**

I am the lead singer of it and I play guitar.

**Oh.**

**Well, that was disappointing.**

People say that we sound like a cross

**Please note that she said "cross" just then. It'll be important later.**

between GC, Slipknot and MCR. The other people in the band are B'loody Mary, Vampire, Draco, Ron (although we call him Diabolo now. He has black hair now with blue streaks in it.) and Hargrid.

**A few notes:**

**1) Harry and Malfoy are in the same band?**

**2) All of these people play music?**

**3) Did you have to ruin Ron, too?**

**4) By Hargrid do you mean Hagrid, the giant?**

**Just wanted to get that out there.**

Only today Draco and Vampire were depressed so they weren't coming and we wrote songs instead. I knew Draco was probably slitting his wrists (he wouldn't die because he was a vampire too

**Please note that Draco can't die from slitting his wrists. That'll be important later.**

and the only way you can kill a vampire is with a c-r-o-s-s (there's no way I'm writing that)

**Refer to this chapter's first "note that" note.**

or a steak)

**Vampires should avoid butcheries.**

and Vampire was probably watching a depressing movie like The Corpse Bride.

**That's a black comedy kids' cartoon with a happy ending.**

I put on

**REALLY SLUTTY OUTFIT- 20 WORDS LONG**

You might think I'm a slut but I'm really not.

We were singing a cover of 'Helena'

**As opposed to singing to original recording of _Helena_.**

and at the end of the song I suddenly bust into tears.

"Ebony! Are you OK?" B'loody Mary asked in a concerted voice.

**I picture her singing this. IN A CONCERTED VOICE.**

"What the f**k do you think?" I asked angrily. And then I said. "Well, Voldemort came and the f**king bastard told me to f**king kill Harry! But I don't want to kill him, because, he's really nice, even if he did go out with Draco. But if I don't kill Harry, then Voldemort, will f**king kill Draco!"

**Well, you just blurted out the entire plot right there.**

**Wait, plot?**

I burst into tears. Suddenly Draco jumped out from behind a wall.

**Well, that's awkward.**

"Why didn't you f**king tell me!" he shouted. "How could you- you- you f**king poser muggle b***h!" (c is dat out of character?)

**Actually, that's the most in-character he's been so far!**

I started to cry

**1.**

and cry.

**2.**

Draco started to cry

**3.**

too all sensitive. Then he ran out crying.

**4. You mentioned that you two were crying four times in just eighteen words.**

We practiced for one more hour. Then suddenly Dumbeldore walked in angrily! His eyes were all fiery and I knew this time it wasn't cause he had a headache.

**Because you know that when you have a headache, your eyes light on fire. Or is that just me?**

"What have you done!" He started to cry wisely. (c dats basically nut swering

**Did you need to say "basically" there?**

and dis time he wuz relly upset n u wil c y) "Ebony Draco has been found in his room. He committed suicide by slitting his wrists."

**Refer to this chapter's second "note that" note.**


	11. Chapter 11

Chapter 11.

AN: i sed stup flaming up prepz!

**Stop flaming up pres? As in, stop lighting preps on fire? *puts down match* aw...**

c if dis chaptr is srupid!1111 it delz wit rly sris issus!

**Well, I'll be sure to be on the lookout for "rly sris issus". What rly sris issus will you be covering in this chapter that most certainly will not be strupid?**

sp

**That's the abbreviation for "check spelling", and you're avoiding my question.**

c 4 urself

**Wait, see for myself or C-four myself? There's a pretty big difference.**

if itz ztupid brw fangz 2 ma frend

**English translation: If it's stupid, bring fangs to my friend.**

raven 4 hleping me!

***giggle***

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"NO!" I screamed. I was horrorfied!

**You were horrorfied?**

B'loody Mary tried to comfort me but I told her f**k off

**You're so understanding!**

and I ran to my room crying myself.

**I picture small liquid Ebonies coming out of Ebony's eyes.**

Dumbledore chased after me shouting but he had to stop when I went into my room cause he would look like a perv that way.

**That was actually pretty funny, for Tara at least. Maybe this is one of the the rly sris issus she was talking about?**

Anyway, I started crying tears of blood and then I slit both of my wrists.

**Because why not.**

They got all over my clothes

**Hold up.**

**Your ****_wrists _got all over your clothes?**

**How does that work? And what are you going to do about this situation?**

so I took them off

***sigh of relief* I'm sure her wrists actually _are_ removable, based on how many times she slits them.**

and jumped into the bath angrily while I put on a Linkin Park song at full volume. I grabbed a steak

**Tasty!**

and almost stuck it into my heart to commit suicide.

**DO IT! DO IT!**

I was so f**king depressed!

**Aw...**

I got out of the bathtub and put on

**CLOTHING DESCRIPTION THAT DOES NOT DESCRIBE SOMEONE WHO IS NAKED- 30 WORDS LONG**

I couldn't f**king believe it.

**You couldn't f**king believe that it took thirty words to describe what you were wearing? Yeah, me neither.**

Then I looked out the window and screamed…

**Oh, no...**

Snap was spying on me and he was taking a video tape of me!

***gasp***

And Loopin was masticating to it!

**Okay.**

**Loopin was... masticating to it?**

**So... he was chewing on the video tape?**

**Loopin was chewing on the video tape, and you felt the need to point that out?**

**And you don't like having your video taken by cereal mascots?**

They were sitting on their broomsticks.

**That's a very necessary thing to point out here...**

"EW, YOU F**KING PERVS, STOP LOOKING AT ME NAKED! ARE YOU PEDOS OR WHAT!"

**YOU JUST SPENT THIRTY WORDS EXPLAINING WHAT YOU WERE WEARING. IF ANYBODY KNOWS THAT YOU'RE NOT NAKED, IT SHOULD BE YOU.**

I screamed putting on a black towel with a picture of Marilyn Mason on it. Suddenly Vampire ran in.

"Abra Kedavra!" he yelled at Snape and Loopin pointing his womb.

**He has a womb, apparently.**

I took my gun and shot Snape and Loopin a gazillion times

**Oh, you shot them a GAZILLION tomes?**

and they both started screaming and the camera broke.

**They screamed so loud, the camera broke.**

Suddenly, Dumblydore ran in. "Ebony, it has been revealed that someone has - NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

**"I've come too late!"**

he shouted looking at Snape and Loopin and then he waved his wand and suddenly…

**I CAN'T TAKE THE SUSPENSE!**

Hargrid ran outside on his broom and said everyone we need to talk.

**Oh. Well, that sucked.**

"What do you know, Hargrid? You're just a little Hogwarts student!"

**And now, it's time for:**

**FUN FACTS ABOUT HAGRID!**

**1) He's a giant.**

**2) He's not a Hogwarts student.**

**3) HIS NAME IS SPELLED H-A-G-R-I-D! NOT H-A-R-G-R-I-D!**

"I MAY BE A HOGWARTS STUDENT…." Hargirid paused angrily. "BUT I AM ALSO A SATANIST!"

**4) He's also not a Satanist!**

"This cannot be." Snap said in a crisp voice as blood dripped from his hand where Dumblydore's wand had shot him.

**I thought Ebony shot him!**

**With a gun!**

**A GAZILLION TIMES!**

"There must be other factors."

**Wait a sec; 1, 2, 3, 4, 6, 8, 12, 24... no, there aren't any other factors. Sorry.**

"YOU DON'T HAVE ANY!" I yelled in madly.

**She's clearly talking to the number .5, which does not have any factors at all, as it is not a positive integer.**

Loopin held up the camera triumelephantly.

**Nothing I can say here hasn't already been said. Therefore, I will just say:**

**LOL SHE ACTUALLY THOUGHT IT WAS SUPPOSED TO BE "TRIUMELEPHANTLY"!**

"The lens may be ruined but the tape is still there!"

I felt faint, more than I normally do like how it feels when you do not drink enough blood.

**I don't think I can relate.**

"Why are you doing this?"

**Hargrid hasn't done anything yet!**

Loopin said angrily while he rubbed his dirty hands on his clook.

**Clook?**

And then I heard the words that I had heard before but not from him.

**Oh, no...**

I did not know whether to feel shocked and happy

**Two emotions that go great together, I'm sure.**

or to bite him and drink his blood because I felt faint.

**Naturally.**

"BECAUSE…BECAUSE…." Hargid said and he paused in the air dramitaclly, waving his wand in the air. Then swooped he in singing to the tune of a gothic version of a song by 50 Cent.

**Why not?**

"Because you're goffic?" Snap asked in a little afraid voice cause he was afraind it meant he was connected with Satan.

"Because I LOVE HER!"

***gasp***


	12. Chapter 12

**I'm one quarter of the way done with this, guys!**

Chapter 12.

AN: stop f,

**F must be stopped! It is the most evil letter of the alphabet!**

aing ok hargrid is a pedo 2 a lot of ppl in amerikan skoolz r lik dat I wunted 2 adres da ishu!

**You just failed miserably.**

how du u no snap iant kristian

**Well, the fact that his name is "Snape" and not "Kristen" is what gave it away, really.**

plus hargrid isn't really in luv wif ebony dat was sedric ok!

**Oh, really? Sorry, I was mislead by the fact that you called Sedric "Hargrid". Sorry.**

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I was about to slit my wrists again with the silver knife that Drago had given me in case anything happened to him. He had told me to use it valiantly against an enemy but I knew that we must both go together.

**How romantic!**

"NO!" I THOUGHT IT WAS HAIRgrid

**Oh yeah, forgot to let go of shift there! Also, a HAIRgrid is a grid that allows you to sort your hair.**

but it was Vampire. He started to scream. "OMFG! NOOOOO! MY SCAR HURTS!" and then….. his eyes rolled up! You could only see his red whites.

**Red... whites?**

I stopped. "How did u know?"

**He felt it... that's kind of how pain works...**

"I saw it!

**No, you felt it! You can't see pain!**

And my scar turned back into the lightning bolt!"

"NO!" I ran up closer. "I thought you didn't have a scar anymore!" I shouted.

**REALLY, REALLY UNNECESSARY BACKSTORY THAT DOESN'T MAKE ANY SENSE AT ALL- 23 WORDS LONG**

"Anyway my scar hurt and it turned back into the lightning bolt! Save me! then I had a vision of what was happening to Draco…. Volfemort has him bondage!"

***gasp* Volfemort has him bondage?**

Anyway I was in the school nurse's office now recovering from my slit wrists.

**Finally! It's about time you got treatment for that!**

Snap and Loopin and HAHRID were there too. They were going to St. Mango's

**That's that mental hospital that's run by fruit, isn't it?**

after they recovered cause they were pedofiles and you can't have those f**king pervs teaching in a school with lots of hot gurlz.

**I think you mean "demented OOC goffic vamire bisexuals".**

Dumbledore had constipated the cideo camera

**Dumbledore _constipated _the cideo camera? What would that- OKAY, THAT'S A BAD MENTAL IMAGE.**

they took of me naked. I put up my middle finger at them.

**Stop pooping out pornos featuring me, Dumblydore! *gives him finger***

Anyway Hargrid came into my hospital bed holding a bouquet of pink roses.

**THAT'S GOING TO BE PLOT RELEVANT LATER.**

**Wait, plot?**

"Enoby I need to tell u somethnig." he said in a v. serious voice,

**The voice was so serious, the first letter of "voice" had to be in front of the word "serious".**

giving me the roses.

"F**k off." I told him.

**You're so considerate!**

"You know I f**king hate the color pink anyway,

**Yeah, pretty much everybody does.**

and I don't like f**ked up preps like you." I snapped.

***my back**

Hargrid had been mean to me before for being gottik.

**I thought you were _goffik_, not _gottik_!**

"No Enoby." Hargrid says. "Those are not roses."

**"Anyway Hargrid came into my hospital bed holding a bouquet of pink roses."**

**YUP.**

"What, are they goffs too you poser prep?"

**Let me try to translate that:**

**What do you mean by that? Do you believe that those pink roses are made of goths, person who pretends to be gothic whilst actually being a person who dislikes _My Immortal?_**

I asked cause I was angry that he had brought me pink roses.

**That kind of went without saying.**

"I saved your life!" He yelled angrily.

**TRUE DAT.**

"No you didn't I replied."

**I always tell people when I am replying to them. Anybody else?**

"You saved me from getting a Paris Hilton p- video made from your shower scene and being vued by Snap and Loopin." Who MASTABATED (c is dat speld rong)

**YES.**

**YES IT IS SPELLED WRONG.**

**THANK YOU FOR ASKING.**

to it he added silently.

"Whatever!" I yelled angirly.

He pointed his wand at the pink roses. "These aren't roses."

**At the roses... aren't roses... at the roses... aren't roses... what?**

He suddenly looked at them with an evil

**HE'S GOFFIK**

look in his eye and muttered Well If you wanted Honesty that's all you haD TO SAY! .

"That's not a spell that's an MCR song." I corrected him wisely.

**You can DO that?**

"I know, I was just warming up my vocal cordes." Then he screamed. "Petulus merengo mi kremicli romacio(4 all u cool goffic mcr fans out, there, that is a tribute! specially for raven I love you girl!)imo noto okayo!"

**Everybody loves Latin-that's-actually-just-saying-petal-mango-My-Chemical-Romance-(BLUHBLAH)-I'm-not-okay!**

And then the roses turned into a huge black flame floating in the middle of the air. And it was black.

**In case you didn't get the memo.**

Now I knew he wasn't a prep.

**How to tell if someone is a prep or not:**

**1: Do they like My Immortal?**

**Y- 2**

**N-Prep**

**2: Do they listen to Goffik bands listed in My Immortal?**

**Y- 3**

**N- Poser Prep**

**3: Do they give you roses?**

**Y- 4**

**N- Goff**

**4: Are the roses actually goffik black flames that are black?**

**Y- Goff**

**N- Prep**

"OK I believe you now wtf is Drako?"

**What the f**k is Drako?**

Hairgrid

**That's how you organize your hair. With a hair grid.**

rolled his eyes. I looked into the balls of flame

**I hear you giggling. Stop it.**

but I could c nothing.

**The following scene is the most epic quote ever:**

"U c, Enobby," Dumblydore said, watching the two of us watching the flame. "2 c wht iz n da flmes(HAHA U REVIEWRS FLAMES GEDDIT) u mst find urslf 1st, k?"

**Case closed.**

"I HAVE FOUND MYSELF OK YOU MEAN OLD MAN!" Hargrid yelled. dUMBLydore lookd shockd. I guess he didn't have a headache or else he would have said something back.

Hairgrid stormed off back into his bed. "U r a liar, prof dumbledoree!"

** [My name is PROF DUMBLEDORE but most people call me the POKEYMANS PROF. First things first. Are you a goff? Or a prep? (A)]**

**Goff**

**Prep**

**Other**

Anyway when I got better I went upstairs and put on

**CLOTHING DESCRIPTION- 84 WORDS LONG**

"You look kawai, girl."

**"Kawaii" means "cuteness". "Kowai" is the opposite. "Kawai" isn't a word in any language.**

B'loody Mary said sadly. "Fangs (geddit) you do too." I said sadly too, but I was still upset. I slit both of my wrists feeling totally depressed and I sucked all the blood.

**Because that's a thing that people do.**

I cried again in my bathroom and put the shades on so Snap and Loopin couldn't spy on me this time. I went to some classes. Vampire was in the Hair of Magical Magic Creatures.

**"Vampire was in the Hair of Magical Magic Creatures."**

**HAIR OF MAGICAL MAGIC CREATURES**

**MAGICAL MAGIC CREATURES**

**WHAT**

He looked all depressed because Draco had disappeared and he had used to be in love with Draco.

**Yes, we geddit. (geddit)**

He was sucking some blood from a Hufflepuff.

**This is the only mention of a house besides Griffendoor or Slytherin in the entire crapfic.**

"Hi." he said in a depressed way. "Hi back." I said in an wqually said way.

**An wqually said way?**

**How would I even pronounce that?**

**Anwah qually said way**

**Oh.**

We both looked at each other for some time. Harry had beautiful red gothic eyes so much like Dracos. Then… we jumped on each other and started screwing each other.

**Oh.**

"STOP IT NOW YOU HORNY SIMPLETONS!" shouted Professor McGoggle

**Professor McGoggle?**

who was watching us

**"STOP HAVING SEX!" she shouted, even though she wan't watching us. She was psychic.**

and so was everyone else.

"Vampire you f**ker!"

** Literally.**

I said slapping him. "Stop trying to screw me. You know I loved Draco!"

**But...**

**You...**

**What?**

**"Then... we jumped on each other and started screwing each other."**

**WHAT**

I shouted and then I ran away angrily.

Just then he started to scream. "OMFG! NOOOOO! MY SCAR HURTS!" and then….. his eyes rolled up! You could only see his red whites.

**I think I've read this before...**

"NO!" I ran up closer.

"I thought you didn't have a scar anymore!" I shouted.

"I do but Diabolo changed it into a pentagram for me and I always cover it up with foundation." he said back. "Anyway my scar hurt and then I had a vision of what was happening to Draco….Volfemort has him bondage!"

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SPECIAL FANGZ 2 RAVEN MY GOFFIX BLOOD SISTA WTF UR SUPPOZD 2 RIT DIS!11111111

HEY RAVEN DO U KNOW WHERE MY SWEATER I


	13. Chapter 13

**Yeah, I'm back.**

**I blame midterms.**

AN: raven fangz 4 gelpin

**I nominate "to gelp" as Verb of the Month.**

me agen im sory ah tok ur postr of gerard but dat guy is such a fokin sexbom!

**Um...**

**What exactly were you doing with that post never mind i dont want to know please dont tell me please**

PREPZ STOP FLAMIGNG!

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Vampire and I ran up the stairs looking for Dumbledore. We were so scared.

"Dumbledore Dumblydore!"

**So,you said "Dumbledore" twice, yet you spelled it differently each time.**

we both yelled. Dumbledore came there.

"What is it that you want now you despicable snobs?"

**A classic My Immortal insult.**

he asked angrily.

"Volsemort

**A classic My Immortal misspelling.**

has Draco!" we shouted at the same time.

He laughed in an evil voice.

"No! Don't! We need to save Draco!" we begged.

**"Please don't laugh!" we begged, "We need to save Draco!"**

"No." he said meanly.

**Meanly?**

"I don't give a darn what Voldemort does to Draco.

***gasp***

Not after how much he misbehaved in school especially with YOU Ebony."

***wink***

he said while he frowned looking at me. "Besides I never liked him that much anyway." then he walked away. Vampire started crying. "My Draco!" he moaned.

**My... Draco... he... moaned... what**

(AN: don't u fik gay guyz r lik so hot!)

**English: (Ammonium Nitrate: Doesn't your fiction homosexual males lick so incredibly warmly?)**

"Its okay!" I tried to tell him but that didn't stop him. He started to cry tears of blood.

**This is getting old.**

Then he had a brainstorm. "I had an idea!" he exclaimed.

**So, was it a brainstorm or an idea?**

"What?" I asked him.

"You'll see." he said. He took out his wand and did a spell.

**WHICH SPELL?**

Then… suddenly we were in Voldemprt's lair!

**Voldemprt's Lair sounds like the best name for a department store, ****_ever_****.**

We ran in with our wands out just as we heard a croon voice say. "Allah Kedavra!"

**insert the same joke everyone makes here here**

It was….. Voldemort!


	14. VIOWER EXCRETION ADVISD

AN: fuk off PREPZ ok! Raven fangz 4 helpin agen. im sory ah kudnt update but I wuz derperessd n I had 2 go 2 da hospital kuz I slit muh rists.

**Oh.**

PS im nut updating til u giv me 10 god revoiws!

**I think we'll be here for a while.**

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WARNING: SUM OF DIS CHAPTA IS XTREMLY SCRAY. VIOWER EXCRETION ADVISD.

**It's funny because she just advised us to wet ourselves.**

We ran to where Volcemort was. It turned out that Voldemort wasn't there.

**Voldemort wasn't where Volcemort was? How shocking!**

Instead the fat guy who killed Cedric was. Draco was there crying tears of blood. Snaketail was torturing him. Vampire and I ran in front of Snaketail.

"Rid my sight you despicable preps!" he shouted as we started shooting him with the gun

**I think this is the only time in the entire fic that Tara uses "shooting" to mean "shooting".**

he Then suddenly he looked at me and he fell down with a lovey-dovey look in his eyes. "." he said.

**A man of few words.**

(in dis he is sixteen yrs old so hes not a pedofile ok)

"Huh?" I asked.

**That's what I was thinking.**

"Enoby I love you will you have sex with me?"

**Oh.**

**I see.**

asked Snaketail. I started laughing crudely. "What the f**k? You torture my bf and then you expect me to f**k you? God, you are so f**ked up you f**king b**tard." I said angrily. Then I stabbed him in the heart. Blood pored out of it like a fountain.

"Nooooooooooooo!" he screamed. He started screaming and running around. Then he fell down and died. I brust into tears sadly.

**BEST.**

**DEATH.**

**EVER.**

**EXCEPT FOR EBONY'S.**

**THAT ONE WOULD BE BETTER.**

"Snaketail what art thou doing?" called Voldemort. Then… he started coming! We could hear his high heels clacking to us.

**"His" high heels? What?**

So we got on our broomsticks and we flew to Hogwarts. We went to my room. Vampire went away. There I started crying.

"What's wrong honey?" asked Draco taking off his clothes so we could screw.

**Oh.**

He had a sex-pack (geddit cuz hes so sexah)

**No.**

**Your pun privileges have been taken away.**

**You are no longer allowed to make puns.**

and a really huge you-know-what and everything.

**Are all you-know-whats the same part of anatomy?**

"Its so unfair!" I yielded. "Why can't I just be ugly or plain like all da other girls and preps here except for B'loody Mary, because she's not ugly or anything."

**Everybody here is so ugly except B'loody Mary!**

"Why would you wanna be ugly? I don't like the preps anyway. They are such f**king sluts."

**Please define the word "slut" for me, Draco. I don't think it means what you think it means.**

answered Draco.

"Yeah but everyone is in love with me! Like Snape and Loopin took a video of me naked.

**In a floor-length dress.**

Hargrid says he's in love with me.

**Tat was Sedric ok!**

Vampire likes me and now even Snaketail is in love with me!

**Was.**

**You killed him, remember?**

I just wanna be with you ok Draco! Why couldn't Satan have made me less beautiful?" I shouted angrily.

**Wow.**

**Ebony is such a snob. I couldn't possibly think of anybody snobbier.**

(an" don't wory enoby isn't a snob or anyfing but a lot of ppl hav told her shes pretty)

**. . .**

"Im good at too many things! WHY CAN'T I JUST BE NORMAL? IT'S A F**KING CURSE!" I shouted and then I ran away.


End file.
